A friend of mine recently lost her grandfather to cancer, much in the same way we lost my grandmother back in January. I had been doing well for several months with that, but seeing my friend go through so much of what we did, brings it all back up again.
I'm happy to say, I don't have that same sinking stomach, devastated emotional feeling I had at the time - that has gone, and I'm able to just look back on happy things. Sure, there's always a tinge of regret that I did not spend more time with my grandma in her later years, but as my husband has pointed out...regretting that at this point is going to change anything. Instead, I will remember happy things.
"Love ya Tracy Babe" is what she always used to say to me when I was leaving. I wish I had been a hugger with her. Many in my family never had any trouble with that, but clearly, I always have. Even as she lay dying, I had a hard time with it, but fought with myself internally - wanting so much to just hug her, and feel her love. She did her best to be my grandma, I did my best to be her grandchild, and we both loved each other - that is enough.
I know in the end, she was constantly bathed in scripture, hymns she loved, and she had the great comfort of her children helping her with every concern she had regarding her salvation. She felt at the end that she was lingering on, far past the time when she wanted to be DONE, because there was something God wanted her to say or do...but really, I think it's just that God knows the timing, even when we want it to be different.
Knowing that she passed peacefully, in her own home, surrounded by 3 of her 4 children, having had all of her grandchildren and great grandchildren come and shower their love on her...well...from a distance of 9 months it makes it a lot easier to accept her passing.
I still miss her terribly. I want to make her rice pudding, but I know mine has never held a candle to hers, even when I used her exact recipe! Her home still sits, empty, waiting for the perfect buyer. I haven't stopped there in months. The mostly empty shell is just...a shell and not the family refuge it once was. Our first non-strange family gathering was last weekend...and her presence was definitely missed, but the space was FULL...full with my aunt and uncle, all my cousins and their families, and all of our very loud, very adorable, very loving children.
She's gone, but I have faith one day we will meet up again in heaven. She will be with my grandfather - the love of her life, and that is a happy thought. I'm so sorry my friend has to walk this road now...but having just made that journey, I'm can tell her the sorry and the sadness eases up. It doesn't leave...but it gets better.
I love my grandmother so dearly. My grandfather, too, was such a great love in my life. I really, really thank God for giving me the people He did...THIS family...that while imperfect, and a hot mess sometimes, and all around rambunctious...is still one of the most amazing families I have ever seen.
I miss you Grandma. Hope you and Gramps are having fun playing pitch up in Heaven!
Not sure this is actually Avalon - maybe Avalon with some friends! But I love this song.
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