Save me a seat!

Today is the first day in many months that I got up on time, not dreading the end of the sleep I had been enjoying.

I woke up happy.

I got up, put the dog out, made coffee, pancakes, and lunches for my school kids, cleaning up my mess as I went along.

I was happy.

I woke the kids up when I first got up, again after I had the coffee going, again midway through the pancakes, and once more, with more urgency since one had to leave for the bus 10 minutes later.

Still happy.

I sat and ate my breakfast with the kids, and eventually my husband. We chatted and joked, did our morning devotion together, got all the necessary school forms and whatnot handled, and I sent them off. Kisses from my husband, hugs from my son, "Love you!" from all of them. "Love you too! Have a good day!", from me.

They came back in twice for stuff they had forgotten, and were already late for the meeting they were to attend at 7:30.

I wiped up the counters, left the pancakes and syrup for my sleepyhead daughters on the counter, and poured myself a tall cup of coffee. Vanilla Biscotti flavor - one of my absolute favorites.

I will admit...I was feeling rather super-woman-ish.

Some of the windows are open, and I can hear traffic, the whirl of the fan above me, a bird having a crazy conniption outside, the dog snoring, but most of all...the wind in the trees. I thought - hey - today I can sit here and have God time uninterrupted!

I opened one of the online devotionals I like, and started reading. The title is "When People Drive You Crazy". Hmmm, I thought...nobody drove me crazy today! Admittedly, it was only 7:30 AM, but I had interacted with half the people in my household, and didn't feel like smacking anybody. NO ONE ANNOYS ME! Hah!

And then I read the contents of the devotional...which had to do with the people in your life who 'grind you down'. The example given was that of a friend who just wears the author down with her demands and lack of boundaries.

And my happy day flopped a little. Because not long ago I was told I was that very person. I was the one who took too much energy...who didn't respect boundaries...who was too needy - or...whatever to be honest - I never got the full explanation. Other than that the one person who meant the most to me, whom I had not married or chosen to parent, wanted nothing further to do with me.

Lately, that person and her family have been going through some rough times. It has broken my heart, bit by bit, not to be able to help, or be a shoulder, or just be someone to be THERE. It's like the pain of the initial ending of the relationship all over again, and sometimes, it feels like too much.

And my happy day tumbles and falls.

But in my silent time, sitting here with God, He tells me I am His, and in my way, I clown around and love Him- and He loves me as I am - flaws, warts, needs, and all.

I have been struggling with the place of that person in my life. I had left their spot open, just in case things changed. But they haven't, and they've made it clear they won't. Even in the midst of their troubles, all they'd ask for from me is prayer - which is freely given and has been for...years now.

I always hated high school, when you'd go to some mandatory function - a lecture, or a pep rally, or whatever...and you never knew who you'd be sitting with. I was friends with almost everyone - not DEEP friends, but superficially. I could sit with almost any group...and yet still be alone.

That's how I've felt lately - surrounded by everyone - and completely alone.

But God today reminded me I am never alone. I am His - most definitely - and he has placed great women around me to help me along. I just needed to stop saving that seat. Funny, because I've always told my 'kids' (the ones who belong to me, and also the ones I get to be 'mom' to because they are friends of my kids) to never make someone a priority when for them, you're just an option.

I made this other person a priority for way too long. Even yesterday, a call or text would have had me dropping everything to be there for them.

But life goes on, and while I regret having been the person who ground someone so important to me down, all I can do is try to not be that person for anyone else.

Today, I have my happy place. My 'sunny day' as my youngest daughter would say. She always asks when she gets up if it's her 'sunny day'. And of course, I always say - "Yes, Baby, it's your sunny day!" Her smile, and her morning snuggles, make any worry or sadness in this world disappear.

I am so very, very blessed.

I have an amazing, full life. I've spent too much time being overwhelmed by it, because it really never does fit into the space I've defined for it.

And that's the key, I guess. I need to stop thinking about the space *I* defined for my life, and just live in the space God defined for it.

Job 42:10, "After Job had prayed for his friends, the Lord made him prosperous again and gave him twice as much as he had before." (NIV 1984)

Proverbs 16:7, "When a man's ways are pleasing to the Lord, he makes even his enemies live at peace with him." (NIV)