There are many times in life...or at least in my faith, that someone will say something. It's not necessarily something revolutionary, or really, even something outside of what I KNOW already, deep in my heart. But...for whatever reason, the phrasing of how they've put it, or just blatantly reading (or hearing) the words put together just zings my spirit. This morning, exactly that happened.
We are very blessed to have some wonderful, amazing pastors in our church. The pastor of our college age group tweeted this quote this morning: “@GrahamCookeBBH: "God is never disillusioned with us because He never had any illusions in the first place!"”
It's exactly one of those things I KNOW....because I know God put me together. He knows me better than I know me. He knows what I will do, when I will do it, why I will make the choice I made - and He loves me regardless of what I do. On some level, I knew that.
But I never thought about it that way before.
I've always felt that, when I don't do something perfectly, or when I make a bad decision, or when I let someone down...I was making God disappointed in me. And if God was human, that would probably be true. I am so far from perfect as a wife, mom, daughter, sister, friend. Sometimes, I let those people that matter the most to me down - and when I know I've done that, I have always been one to carry that burden for a long time, my own disappointment in myself growing in leaps and bounds.
There have been times that I have thought - how disappointed God must be in me. I fail all the time. I never live up to what He wants me to be. I try...I try to always do the right thing. It isn't seeking salvation through works or performance...it's just...feeling that yes, God loves me no matter what, but because I love Him, I want to do my best FOR Him. Not being able to live up to that in my own eyes, feels like letting God down. I put that expectation on Him. I have imagined His disapproval of me in situations where I feel I have failed...but He knew how it would work out. He was not surprised if I lost my temper, or yelled, or didn't get something clean enough, or didn't work hard enough, or let the kids have McDonald's instead of cooking them a healthy, home cooked meal.
I have put my disappointment in myself on to God, and it has separated me from His perfect love for me. It has kept me from the joy God wants me to have in life. But I am going to be more aware of that from now on. God is not disillusioned with me. He knows my love for Him. He knows my desire to live the life He plans for me. But most importantly, He loves me exactly as I am, right this minute, no matter what successes or failures I have today, tomorrow, last year, or ever.
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