Forgive them...

For most of my life, I have struggle with pride in a particular area. Well...I guess it's not so much ONE area, as it is, worrying what other people think and when someone has characterized me unfairly, getting REALLY angry about that. In the last year or so, I felt like I had made great strides in that arena. Until the last two weeks, anyway... For a little over a month, we've been wading through a plethora of issues with one of our kids. Now - we have five - so there is almost ALWAYS one kid doing something they shouldn't be doing. We've done everything from ignore and hope it passes, to rewarding GOOD behavior, to corporal punishment, to praying praying praying...and we still have issues. Why? Because we have human children who have raging hormones, curiosity, and the desire for more independence than we are always willing to extend. In other words, our children are completely normal. When our 17-year-old got a job about a month ago, we were thrilled. She loved the job, she loved her co-workers, she had a new zest for life. It was fantastic. Plus it was at a mexican restaurant, and I LOVE mexican food. My husband's cooking is better - but this was good. We also had a trip planned to celebrate my dad's 70th birthday. After she started the job, we got the word that our daughter had been so successful there, she was going to be trained as assistant manager. This was super - something she loves doing, and we realized that in order to pursue that, she wouldn't be able to go on the trip. For us, it was no big deal, and she really didn't mind either. There was also a slight chance at that point that our older daughter would have a second job by that point, and also wouldn't be able to go, so we just went forward with that expectation. Until my father-in-law opened his mouth and firmly implanted his foot. He made the statement that we were just punishing 17-year-old by not taking her with us - for something she did over a month ago. {{insert record scratching sound here}} WHAT?!?!?! At the point in which he said that, we were pretty much over the last thing she had done that had her hiney grounded - and it CERTAINLY had nothing to do with why said child was not going on this trip. Skip forward a week. Child again has massive error in logical thought, commits another act for which she's lucky to still be breathing. (Again, something so very normally 17, and yet - so NOT ok), and we have to have child quit job, so now she's going with us. And then my mother-in-law apparently decided it was her turn with the foot-in-mouth disorder. I wasn't on the call, so I am paraphrasing what was said as it was relayed from my quite shocked husband - but basically, my mother-in-law alluded to the fact that she asked our sons (who are visiting her right now) how we taught them to make good decisions, and that they didn't have any answer for that. In other words - she was saying our children make mistakes because WE are not TEACHING THEM TO MAKE GOOD ONES. You know - not that our kids are doing things 4 out of 5 other kids their age do...it's CLEARLY that we're not parenting them correctly. {{insert sound of my head exploding here}} I honestly have lost count of how many times we have had discussions with them about the choices they have/are making, the future, how opportunity ends up being limited by choices we make, yadda yadda yadda. Talking, talking, talking - til we are blue in the face. Rewarding good choices. Dealing with bad choices. We have almost daily opportunity to go through this. And my in-laws, who in all actuality have VERY LITTLE to do with my children, don't seem to get that. And so, I was incensed. I wanted to sit both of them down and have a good old confrontation - to enumerate all the ways we've gone over this - all the efforts we've made. And most of all, to point out that they weren't exactly parents of the year. When my husband was our daughter's age, his mother MOVED IN WITH HER BOYFRIEND and just left him on his own. My father-in-law had moved away and had nothing to do with him. So....seriously? Don't judge. Not only that, you had 2 kids. We have 5. And ours have a completely different set of life experiences. So I got mad, and then I got down. Because if there is anything we need when it comes to parenting our kids, criticism is NOT it. Support - support would be nice. A suggestion I can even handle. But criticism? That hurt. And so I stewed in it a bit. The fact that it COMPLETELY defeated my husband, who has been struggling with this last event pretty mightily - well that was sort of a last straw. You can make me mad, put me down, whatever - but you DO NOT hurt my husband. I won't stand for that. So I spent a good 24 hours completely pissed. I'm not even going to apologize for it. I was LIVID. And then it hit me. Again. My husband has been really good about turning to God with all of this. Last night, as he dealt with this latest bit of crap from his mother, prayed it up. And he let go of it. While I was busy wishing she was within punching distance, he was forgiving. "..And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us..." UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. BUT....but...BUT IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!! Forgive them. Forgive them. Forgive them. 70 X 7 times...forgive them. But I don't WANT to... And so I sat here, realizing I can continue to be the way I WAS...before Jesus stepped in. Or I can forgive them. It's true - they don't know. They are not living in this house. They don't see what goes on. And I can let that injustice from them eat away at me - and it was - or I can let it go and move on. I can pray for them, and for my children, and be MUCH more peaceful and at ease through this... ...and that is what I did. Today, said child got done most of what was on the 'Do something stupid, get more chores' list. Tomorrow, she will leave with us to go celebrate my dad's birthday. She made a stupid choice. So did I when I was her age. Telling her not to do things like that doesn't take away that strong impulse that paired with peer pressure equals really bad decisions. Unfortunately, she has to make her own mistakes. Also unfortunately, she likes to make the same one multiple times. But *I* have to learn to get through situations like this without 'taking the cheese'. I have to learn to forgive people who make statements about me (or my parenting) that simply aren't true. I have to learn to live in the place of knowing God knows. God sees. And God's leading is the ONLY THING that we need to listen to. One of the pastors at our church posted something awhile back about being done managing other people's opinions of himself. And also, about being more interested in others and less interested in how interested they are in him. I think that's right. I forgive them. They are a part of my life, and in a way, I feel bad for them that they are not more involved with my kids. I feel bad for them that they DON'T know what goes on around here day to day. Say what you will about my mom, but she's around. She annoys us, but she's here! I forgive them, and I'll pray that in the future, they'll be more interested in investing in the kids. I pray more that there's not any future reason for them to make such statements as they have, but...given that we have 3 more kids to go through these teen years, it's probably unlikely. But most of all, I am thankful that, by the grace of God alone, we have peace in our house again.