Always, Always Land

"I believe in you. You ARE the Pan." "But I'm really not. I'm not the Pan. I'm much more of a Wendy." "That's not what I mean. I mean you can do anything you put your mind to do." "Sure, maybe. But really, I'm the one who pays attention to what everyone ELSE wants or needs, and makes THAT happen. Really, I'm not sure I have the passion anymore to put into something like this." "REALLY? I've seen that glint in your eye; that wicked grin that spreads across your face when you read something somebody posts and you have a reply that's going to verbally eviscerate them. You DO have that passion. You just need to take the first step." This conversation, more or less, happened tonight in my living room. We've gone round and round, you see, on what is next for me. A 'real job' in my former career, pushing paper 45 hours a week in a cubicle surrounded by others as equally joyless about their corporate existence is just not...well...I can do it if I HAVE to, you know? My husband has challenged me, multiple times now, to do SOMETHING that brings me joy. Not that I'm a joy-less person by any means. I actually dearly LOVE being a stay-at-home mom. I LOVE raising my kids, particularly my 4-year-old, as I've had the time to focus on her in ways I never had with my older daughter. I have five very amazing children. Each, in their own way, is an amazing creation - a definite blessing from God. But does that mean I love every minute of my life with them? No. There are definitely days when I just want to lock myself in the bathroom and down an entire bottle of Moscato while browsing pinterest and eating nachos. No, the moscato and nachos do NOT go together, but I'm just not a chocolate person. Really. So he asked me to think about it...and then he pulled out the old 'where do you spend money - that's where your passion lies.' Well, girlfriend...(yeah, I said that. Mentally.) My passion does not lie in yet another fine for a cracked laptop screen or more tighty whities for the kid who can't seem to figure out what happened to the last 24 pair we bought him a month ago. (If you're good at math, you know 24 pairs of undies = about a 3 month supply (without doing laundry) for a 12-year-old boy. Maybe 6. So where could they have gone? That's one I'm going to have to ask Jesus, because the boy in question has no idea.) I spend a lot on groceries. I pay bills. My passion is NOT in MUD, Cox, OPPD, or Veriz*n. (Mobile Company name squelched in case of governmental data mining!) I do have some passions. Mostly in the realm of politics, really. I love (LOVE LOVE LOVE) a good debate. LOVE IT. I am passionate about teen pregnancy, and helping other young women who were where I was 19 years ago find their way. I have discovered in the last few weeks that I also am a fan of guns. Thanks to a friend of my husbands who does classify himself as a 'gun nut', I had the opportunity to shoot a vast selection - from tiny to WHOA!. I know not only completely understand, but can make a valid argument for why AR-15s absolutely should be legal and why any woman who ever desires to shoot a rifle should TRY ONE NOW! In case I am not conveying my enthusiasm effectively, shooting one was AWESOME. I WILL go on about that particular subject another time. I know I've mentioned it here. I've felt compelled to write....something...fiction? Children's book? WHAT? (Still awaiting additional guidance on that.) And...I love talking about Jesus. I just do. I love explaining to others why, no matter what they've done, Jesus loves them. I love trying to help someone understand that God does not hate homosexuals. I love trying to help someone who is mad at God - for whatever reason - to know that God still loves them anyway - no matter how much they misunderstand the intent behind whatever God allowed (or directly caused) to happen in their lives. I guess it's just being passionate about the transformational power of the love of Jesus...something that, even if I explain it a million times, you may never truly understand until you experience it. I guess THAT is where my passion sits. Beyond religions, beyond semantics, beyond traditions or legalism. Beyond what you've read or translated or studied the origin of....the true, deep, abiding love of our Creator and Almighty God. I don't forsee me thumping on anybody's door anytime soon and asking about their relationship with God. But I can explain, at leisure, the amazing sense of peace and joy that is imparted when you really, really decide to let God in, and let Him lead. Now....what to do with THAT...?