Reality Bites

We've had an on-going series of conversations...with all of our children, but with one in particular. As we said to her tonight...as a parent it is SO HARD to see SO MUCH potential in your child, and yet watch them not only not do anything with it, but to throw it away... After we got home from church today, my oldest daughter grew very quiet and very absorbed in her phone. It's not unlike her to be looking at artsy stuff, or something on pinterest, and for her to become very focused, but something about this felt off. I asked what was up, and she said one of the kids she knew well at school, a boy a year behind her, had apparently died, and she was trying to figure out what had happened. From a little digging, she determined that he had apparently died of a drug overdose. One week ago, he posted that he had been expelled from school - 2 weeks shy of graduating. As a parent, I was hit by a few major realizations. The first, of course, was that no matter how difficult and drama-filled days can be with our children, they are still here with us. While we've had a few moments recently where they seemed hell-bent on throwing away every opportunity laid before them, they are STILL HERE. I can still hug them, poke them, yell at them, wake them up with a cool glass of water, whatever. They are still here. Comparatively, as bleak as the situation may seem at times, there is still hope. Bad grades may mean extra school time, or it may mean not having all the options that would be laid out otherwise - but as long as you're still here, the future is an open book. Anything is POSSIBLE. It may not be PROBABLY within current parameters - but it's POSSIBLE. This morning's sermon dealt with baptism by fire. I will be the very first to tell you that when our pastor asked if anyone was afraid to say 'Lord, test me!' - that's TOTALLY ME. I have completely had that conversation with God - 'God, PLEASE DON'T TEST ME!!! I love you with all my heart, but I don't want to go through the hard stuff!' I kept thinking the same thing this morning - "God - I KNOW it is meant to refine my faith in You. I KNOW you're burning away the 'me', and leaving the 'You'...but...God..I don't want things to suck!" As our pastor pointed out...the refining happens whether you ask for it or not. Whether it just sucks and you turn to your flesh for comfort, or whether you turn to God, and your faith sustains you is the question. It probably seems obvious to anyone outside of the situation, but as I sat there thinking how much I didn't WANT to be tested, God spoke to my heart. He said something along the lines of - what do you think I've been doing in all these situations with your children? And it's true - there are times when it seems EVERY.SINGLE.DAY is a test. And I am the first to admit...as much of a perfectionist as I try to be...I fail I fail. I fail. I fail. I get angry quickly. I want to throw my hands up and walk away. I want to react without love. I don't, because I DO love my kids no matter how difficult it is at times. But I realized today...the way I feel about my kids is barely a smidgeon of how God feels about me. I wish (and will endeavor) to respond to my children as God always responds to me. With love, but firmly, correcting as needed, but still allowing them to make their own decisions (and correspondingly bear the weight of their choices). My children are still here. I still have time to be the mom God is leading me to be. I have time for Him to refine me more - through these tests and others. I am not going to lie and say that I'm all gung ho with the 'YES GOD PLEASE TEST ME'. Because - really - no. I am NOT going to do that! But...I am going to embrace this season and it's challenges. I am going to spend more time quietly centering myself with God, before I attempt to tackle each day's hurdles. I am going to love my children no matter how much potential I feel like they are throwing away. Because mine are all safely tucked in their beds tonight. I can check on each one (except the one still living with her Host Family - and I know she's in good hands there). I can hug them in the morning. Tonight I know of one mom, not far from me, who doesn't have that luxury. I pray that God is HER solace, and that He brings her some peace at a time I can't fathom trying to survive. I pray her son, at some point before he slipped away, came to know Jesus and that his mama has the peace of knowing someday she will see him again. I pray that if this is how God is refining her, that she is able to turn to God and come through stronger in her faith. But most of all I just pray for God to comfort her - because that's a pain I have imagined and yet know the reality of it has to be a million times worse. My God knows it better than any of us. I just pray that is not ever a fire He would ask me to walk through.