...but not when it's HARD!!!
In just 60 hours or so, my BAAAAAABY leaves on her first trip out of the country. Now most of the time, that's an exciting thing, right? I know parents send their kids off for study abroad programs, or trips to Europe, or even on short term mission trips where they'll be gone for a week or two. But this trip? My baby, who has never been out of the country before (also, who is 19 and probably shouldn't be referred to as a baby, is 19 years old, and a fully independent woman!)...will be gone for 4 1/2 weeks to Nicaragua.
I am completely unsure of how to feel about this trip. There is the rational side of my brain, that says God has this, He has not given us a spirit of fear, and so I need to zip up any worry about the entire trip and just rely on God to protect the gift HE gave me in the first place. Then there's the mom side of my brain, that stood there in church praying for her team Sunday, and walked out of the sanctuary bawling, because...my baby...will be gone for 4 1/2 weeks, and I will only MAYBE have an email from her once a week to find out how everything is going! How can I STAND that?
This year has been one of growth for both my daughter and me. I see her walking around at church and I am struck by the changes in her - from my child, into this beautiful young woman, able to lead her team, and survive completely outside of the realm of her mom. Not that she doesn't want me - given her choice she'd still be home daily and talking to me on and off throughout the day. But - given that that is against the rules currently, she does quite well with the situation she is in.
So we've been contemplating where this leads. She is still unsure about what she wants to do in live, aside from serving God. When I think about that, it's with complete trepidation. Part of me thinks - what if she goes on this trip, and develops a passion for global outreach, and wants to live her life constantly on the go and serving others. THAT WOULD TOTALLY SUCK, RIGHT?!?!?! (Of course, I am kidding!) I would love if God set her heart on fire for that type of service, but my heart breaks thinking of not having her right here.
I know that in this, I am giving her completely back into the care of God - allowing His will for her life to be more important than mine - (in my head I am allowing it, God clearly doesn't need MY approval for that sort of thing!), but allowing myself to be OK with the outcome whatever it is....
I am just so torn and conflicted inside. It's completely bittersweet. The potential, and the beauty of her serving, and at the same time, letting my first little birdie fly away from the nest for as long as she wants, or as she feels God leads her....it's just HARD!
And I know she loves me, and no matter where she is, she's still going to miss her mom, and want to be with me - and for her to blossom into who God wants her to be, she NEEDS to have this time...
But MY BABY!!!!! My sweet, sweet baby who was my only partner in life for so many years!!!!
Yes, this is a completely stream of consciousness, emotional post, and without really knowing me and my heart for my children, you might not understand it....but...ugh....
I love her. I trust God. I believe He has great plans for her life. I am thrilled, excited, and scared all at the same time to see how this changes her.
And also I am praying for her health, safety, and for her interactions with the kids to be completely blessed while she is there.
On another note - it should be an indicator that God wants to do great things when...on one day alone, the team was provided with $16,000 toward their trip (they needed $15000) to go - but to earn that entirely in one day is AMAZING and totally a God thing. You can't knock me down off of THAT high. God just rocks my world, on a daily basis.
So anyway. My baby. She's leaving. And I am thrilled
excited
amazed
fearful
destroyed
builtup
revived
envious because I would like to be with her (I volunteered to go too!)
enthralled, totally and completely.
So anyway....that's life right now.
I intentionally choose to put God's will before mine. To let God's plan trump mine. And to not sit here as a whiney, bawling baby for days after she leaves. But I do get the first half hour or so. Maybe until I know she has landed safely in Nicaragua! Then I will stop crying.
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