Endings

I drove home, a pit in my stomach.

I felt ill, mentally, and physically.

My husband brought home dinner, which I ate, mechanically.  The headache had started.  The self-doubt reigned supreme.

I made a drink.  I cuddled the kitten.  I took a bath.   I watched a zombie movie.

And.  I cried.

A lot, for me.

I failed.  At this first real move back into the working world.  I failed.

Sure, my job before was in IT...but really?  The expectation was low.   Excelling was easy.

This job?  I gave my heart and soul.  I gave everything.

There are excuses galore.  A team made of misfits wanted by no other team.  A VP of product development lacking vision for the product.  Politics galore.  There are so many excuses.

But at the end of the day...I let myself down.

And so I cried.

I cried a lot.

When I submitted my resignation earlier, my manager (who hates being called boss) told me it was ok to cry.  I can't, I said.  It's weak.

He said it wasn't.  But it all was.

I gave my heart and soul.  And it wasn't enough.

He says we have success...but I don't see it.

I see coworkers, "joking" about my bitching resting face and condescending tone.

I see the Product VP, telling me what I poured myself into for six months was of no value.

The same VP responsible for the last 2 items I was given, that were also cancelled.

Life is too short to be so unhappy.  And so I quit.  I gave up.  I resigned

I am giving them a month.  Time to finish.  Time to document.  Hoepfully time to heal.

But in my heart...it is failure

It is "I give up."

It is...this isn't worth it.  This isn't what I want.  This isn't what I had a passion to do.  This is "no hope".

At the end of the day...it is just a job.  I have my husband, my children, my beasts.  I have my God, who loves me and empowers me and leads me.

But I don't have this.  And the quit...hurts.

And so in my bath, I cried.  I gave myself the only moment of self-pity and sadness I will have over this.

Tomorrow I begin again with the job hunt.

I will hope for better.

HOPE.  What I have lost here

I will pray my family forgives me for the hours I gave this job...this thankless thing that meant....nothing...