I have repeatedly had my husband tell me, as he runs a hand over me, how different I feel.
I am still wearing the same clothes, although many things are getting a little big. I do have some jeans that had gotten too tight, or didn't fit right due to a little too much 'junk in the trunk', that I can wear now. It has been nice being able to pull those out and wear them. It led me to looking at all the dress pants I wore years ago when I was consulting, and wondering if, maybe, I should consider going back.
The scale says I have officially lost 50 lbs. (Actually slightly over that, but 50 was my first big milestone, so I am going to stick with that for now.) It also marks the first time, since the birth of my daughter, that the number at the front of my weight is not a '3'. (woohoo!)
When I look in the mirror, I can see changes. When I look down, I see changes (because your chest is one of the first places you lose weight!), and yet, my mind still doesn't believe it. Despite being advised to step on the scale no more than once a week (and ideally just at doctors appointments), I still find myself stepping on the scale any time I pass it. When I get up, before I go to bed, when I run upstairs on my breaks from work, I step on. I see my weight vary as much as 5 or more pounds in a single day, and it reminds me of how stupid, and how irrelevant, it is to put our value on what that number is.
I have learned, though, that the number first thing in the morning or last thing at night are the most agreeable!
The reality check came back though, as I filled out my selections for insurance through work this week. Once again, I was rejected for additional life insurance, and long term disability. Their reason? My height to weight ratio. It was a slap in the face, as I rejoiced at this 50 lb loss. I realize next year, it will probably be a different story, but for now, it's definitely an annoyance!
I continue to struggle with getting in enough protein and water each day, but I have come to realize it's a struggle everyone who has this surgery goes through. I mean - I never got enough water BEFORE the surgery. Now with all the restrictions on when I can drink AND the fact that sometimes drinking hurts, I need to give myself some grace on it.
I did tell my husband that they say as you make a diet change, your body stops craving those things you ate before. Well, 2 1/2 months later, and I would LOVE to go have a cheeseburger and fries, or a big juicy steak. SO...the thought that the craving goes away is a lie. I still want what I want. The thing is, this surgery has made me realize how often my hunger is 'head hunger', not an actual physical need to eat something. I only have the feeling of hunger once ever few days, and it's such a faint feeling, it doesn't compare to how you feel with a normal stomach. But there are moments when I want something SO MUCH...a big coffee from Starbuck's, or a donut, or pasta. It's just an emotional attachment to the food - not a physical need. I've been told actual hunger returns in time - and I don't look forward to it. It may help though, because I endlessly frustrate my husband when he asks what I want, and I am entirely ambivalent about what it is, other than that I have to follow my guidelines for X amount of protein, Y amount of fruit or veg, and then whatever carb last.
I am excited (and a little scared) to see what Thanksgiving brings this week. I know it will be hard, because I will want a little of everything, and literally - that would be the equivalent of me being able to have not even half a teaspoonful of things! And, the things I really want are not the turkey, which is what I SHOULD eat.
BUT - Zack is thinking of making a turducken, SO....if he does that, I might be more interested in the turkey! Mainly I am just TIRED of turkey and chicken, since that is the majority of what I eat.
Anyway - so that's where I am in the journey. Oh - and also so sick of protein shakes I can barely stand it, so I have had to get a little more creative. I have purchased I don't even know how many Torani Sugar Free syrups - they help. But at the end of the day, whey protein just has a flavor you can't hide. And yet, if I don't get the protein, my hair will start falling out, so...that's a good incentive to get the protein in!
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